Having practiced as a mediator for over twenty years and having a background in family counseling for over 30 years, I can state that more often than not, my clients will ask me, at the outset of mediation, the title question. I share with you now my considered answer which I communicate to my clients that, in the best interests of their child or children, they may wish to reconsider the position that the question poses.
Let me preface this writing by stating at the outset that I generally do not get “monsters” at my table in my practice. By monsters, I mean those parties that are willing to sacrifice the welfare and mental equilibrium of the children in order to bring down the other parent.
(Please see my article entitled “You Must Love Your Children More Than You Hate Your Spouse”.)
When I do sense that there will be monstrous behavior by one or both of the clients, I stop the mediation because I feel they will require litigation in order to unsuccessfully exact some sort of revenge and “vent his or her spleen”. It is in these types of cases, the old adage is so apt: “When you want to destroy another, you should dig two graves, one for the object of your revenge and one for you.” When parties come to my mediation table, they are usually rational, thoughtful and truly in search of a way to separate/divorce with the least collateral damage possible. In those cases, often the title question is asked. In attempting to answer that question as thoughtfully as possible, my opinion gained from years of experience is as follows:
SUBTLE TOXICITY VERY IMPACTFUL
Even when the parties do not “scream” or “fight” openly, the subtle toxicity that can exist in a “minimally miserable” marriage when two people stay together “for the good of the children” can be far more impactful to those children than the overt toxicity that exists in some marriages that results in the children asking the parents to split or wherein Orders of Protections may become necessary.
Even though the parties are not screaming and an overt state of war is not obvious, it is the subtle tone and undercurrent of the parties that hold even greater toxicity, i.e. “your FATHER is calling you” said with disgust, or “don’t be like your MOTHER” said with utter disdain. Children are like sponges and internalize all of these subtle, but nasty, tics of the parents. They own this negative energy and instead of thinking less of their parents, they tend to think less of themselves and begin a self-loathing process that can take them many years in attempting to overcome.
MARRIAGES IN MEDIATION NOT LIKELY TO SUCCESSFULLY RECONCILE
Parties who come to the mediation table, even for the initial free consultation, are not usually the parties that have hit just one “blip” and, with effort, are likely to reconcile effectively. By the time parties appear at my table, even if the marriage is seemingly “functional”, usually the relationship has a “seed” or “pilot light” of toxicity that will not be extinguished, even with marriage counseling.
In thousands of decent divorces that I have facilitated, I have only had two couples attempt reconciliation and both were back within a year or two. However, sometimes mediation can make clear to parties who are unsure of what is divorced from the other will really feel like and that, in itself, parties have told me, is helpful.
LOUSY ROLE MODEL FOR CHILDREN FOR WHAT A RELATIONSHIP / MARRIAGE SHOULD BE
Rather than have the children thrive by the unhappy parents remaining together, the children have no role model at all for what a healthy, enriching and delicious relationship/marriage can be. Even if the parties have done no harm to the children within the marriage, the children may experience a void in not having the image of what a respectful, loving and affectionate relationship can be. They do not get to see their parent “come alive” in a better relationship and seeing your parent in a loving relationship is usually a good thing.
CAUTION REGARDING THE NEW RELATIONSHIP RELATIVE TO THE CHILDREN
The premise here, of course, is that neither party would ever be in a loving relationship if the new partner is not loving to the existing children. It was Maya Angelou who said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Those are wise words in the context of new relationships after marriage. Demonstrate for the children, what a loving relationship is, but take it slow and give the children a chance to adjust to the new relationship in your life.
HOW MEDIATION CAN ALLOW FOR A COMPASSIONATE PROCESS
In mediation, we put the children’s best interests first and then resolve every other issue relative to the dissolution of a marriage, with informed consent, knowledge, and grace. We take a creative problem-solving approach to issues where there is a dispute and make sure that both parties come away with a sense of “being ok” with their agreements. Children thrive when the parents are well and emotionally available and not toxic to each other. Mediation leaves space for that.
Usually, divorce through mediation allows both parents to tell the children that “Even though Mom and Dad will not be married to each other, our peaceful agreement means that we can always be extended family around you.” THAT is in the best interests of the children.
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